It is nice to have people who take care of you, friends, family and romantic partners. However, they can only do so much for you. Sometimes we get frustrated because we are expecting something that we should be giving ourselves to be done for us by others. Left not addressed, this can lead to resentment.
Let’s pause for a bit and just think, are we expecting other people to love us more than we love ourselves? And sometimes we are expecting people that are just like us, that haven’t figured how to love themselves to love us back. No, you are not crazy, however it’s asking for a bit much. When I came to the realization that yes, my friends and family love me but they can only do so much. Some of the things I expect from them, they are not ready to give. The answer was God for me and the realization that I know myself better than anyone else. I started asking the important questions to start nurturing me and loving me and their love became a bonus. I can tell you my life has not been the same. No, it’s not perfect and I have to keep working at it but I am way better for me and for all those around me. I am no longer showing love just so others can do that same thing for me. When I love myself the way I need to be loved, I can give to others a love that is pure without expecting anything back.
Some of the expectations we place on others include:
- Our happiness depends on what they do. (If they don’t do something we expect them to do then we are miserable and moody, even when we don’t communicate our expectations).
- Placing unrealistic expectations on the other person. (We are imperfect beings and we tend to expect others to show up love perfectly, show up for us, buy us expensive gifts, always be present when we need them etc. We expect so much from others without thinking about the hardships they could be going though in their lives that).
- Wanting the other person to love the same way you love. (Sometimes we do place conditions on our love without realizing it, don’t we? “If he doesn’t call me, I am not calling” that’s a condition right there. If I love you unconditionally, I will call you even when you don’t. The only person who ever mastered unconditional love for me is God. We have to love others the way they receive love and communicate our love languages for healthy relationships).
What can we do to manage our expectations for healthier relationships?
- Let’s take responsibility for loving ourselves and making ourselves happy first;
- Have grace for yourself and others- we are not perfect;
- Let’s remove the expectations- let’s be realistic, sometimes we are placing expectations that we wouldn’t be able to fulfil for the other person. Someone once told me that if you remove expectations, you remove deserving and you replace it with appreciation (gratitude) and that does it!
- Find what makes you happy and do more of those things. By doing this, you will find yourself being less upset and if someone else does the things to make you happy you can just enjoy the moment for what it is.
After going through my own ups and downs I now am a firm believer that everything starts with me. So do your very best for you and everyone else will always benefit from that. And remember to give yourself and others grace.
